Godly Counsel

WHAT TO DO
WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Get Godly Counsel (Part 2)

HOW CAN I HELP MY MARRIAGE?

1. What do you do when you don’t know what to do? I know I need help in my marriage.Where do I go to get the help I need? This really depends on how things are in your marriage. Most couples wait until the crisis stage before they get the necessary help.

2. You alone can diagnose your marriage and the relationship you have with your spouse.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate your marriage? Of course 1 would be the
lowest and 10 would be the highest. Let’s suppose you are like the average couple and
you have lingered in marital mediocrity way too long. Let’s say you’re a 5 on the
matrimonial scale. What should you do?

3. First of all, focus on you and not your spouse. Ask the question, “How can I change to make our marriage better?” Please note, we would much rather point out the deficiencies in our spouse rather than ourselves. Nevertheless, we must remember we are accountable only for our actions. God didn’t call you to change your spouse, He commanded you to love your spouse. When we get wrapped up in the faults of our partner, our eyes are on the wrong person. We need to examine ourselves!

4. The greatest mistake a husband or wife can make is trying to change your mate. Ladies, if it is your life long ambition to change your uncouth husband you’re in for a real disappointment. Men, if you feel the need to help your wife along the road to maturity you are in for a big surprise! Look in the mirror and scrutinize yourself. How do I need to change? What can I do to be a better husband or wife? Let me repeat! You must resist the temptation to point out the faults and failures of your spouse! Focus on you! Concentrate on your characteristics!

Let me share with you some practical ways to accomplish this feat:

1. Ask God to reveal to you your marital shortcomings. In your time of reflection and renewal be real with God.

2. Write them down on a piece of paper. As God begins to pinpoint specific areas of your life make a work list for needed growth.

3. Begin to work on these matters one at a time. Ask the Lord to make you sensitive to these areas of life.


4. Commit yourself to change by permitting the Holy Spirit to surgically remove the cancerous sins of pride, arrogance, and attitudes of superiority.

5. In sincere humility plead with the Holy Spirit to smooth away all the jagged edges in your personality.

6. Do your homework. Go to your local Christian bookstore and purchase a book about being a good husband or wife. You have no excuse here! There are hundreds of good books to encourage you to be the spouse you need to be. Turn off the television and read!

7. Ask the Holy Spirit to assist you in loving your spouse the way Christ loves you. Trust His supernatural power to enable you to love as He loves.

8. Resist the temptation of bragging on the successful changes that you have made in your personal life. I promise you, your spouse doesn’t want to hear it, they want to see it. Let your mate make the congratulatory comments instead of you patting yourself on the back.

9. Once you begin to see the Holy Spirit make consistent changes in your life, be very careful with pride. God is not finished with you yet. You will mess up, so don’t throw in the towel. Go back to step number one and begin the process again.

10. Always remember this is a lifelong journey! Once you think you have arrived you will soon discover that you still have a ways to go. God has a way of keeping us humble.

5. What if my marriage is a 3 on the matrimonial scale? You may need intense discipleship counseling. Discipleship counseling is where you meet with a spiritual leader who can teach you the principles of marriage from a biblical perspective. It is more teaching than counseling! I like to compare discipleship counseling to a mini-marriage seminar with only three people in attendance (the couple and the teacher). The biblical counselor will discover where you are in your marriage. Then he will point you to where you need to be. The sessions will focus on how to get there. This is the process of discipleship counseling.

6. Please note, if you are not a committed disciple of Jesus Christ, this type of coaching is a waste of time. The premise for this mode of treatment is total surrender to Jesus Christ and biblical principles. Should a couple not be totally yielded to biblical truth this type of intense instruction will not help the marriage. The foundation is your relationship with Jesus Christ, then, you must be willing to accept the teachings of scripture and then, you must be motivated to apply the scripture to your individual situation. The focus will be on your individual responsibilities and not your spouse!

7. Let me illustrate. Every couple has a list of ideals for their spouse. Should your spouse not live up to those standards you could become disillusioned with your marriage because your mate does not reach your expectations. Some have very high expectations while others aren’t so lofty. By the way, unrealistic expectations for your mate are a sure
way to doom your marriage. This is the reason for all arguments in marriage. Someone
doesn’t live up to his or her expectations. Consequently, the angry spouse proceeds to
point out the injustice.

8. Have we forgotten the biblical truth of unconditional love? Unconditional love is not
performance based. Nevertheless, we judge our mate’s marital performance and we
reward them accordingly. If he or she meets my expectations then I will love equally. In
other words, my mate becomes worthy of my love. Therefore, my love is based on how
well my spouse meets my needs and expectations.

9. I think we all agree this is pretty shallow! Even so, this normal process is a part of our fallen nature. However, the Bible commands unconditional love (Ephesians 5:25). A supernatural love that is not performance based. A kind of love that does not attach conditions and rewards. The goal of discipleship counseling is to motivate you to throw away your list of expectations and begin to love your spouse unconditionally. I like to call this Holy Spirit love. Once you remove the unrealistic demands and begin loving your spouse regardless of their performance you will begin to understand unconditional love. The focus is not on your spouses’ performance but on “your” obedience to Jesus Christ. How can “I” be more like Christ? What do “I” need to do to be a better mate? The focus is reversed! This is the very purpose of discipleship counseling.