Godly Counsel

WHAT TO DO
WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Get Godly Counsel (Part 2)

HOW CAN I HELP MY MARRIAGE?

1. What do you do when you don’t know what to do? I know I need help in my marriage.Where do I go to get the help I need? This really depends on how things are in your marriage. Most couples wait until the crisis stage before they get the necessary help.

2. You alone can diagnose your marriage and the relationship you have with your spouse.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate your marriage? Of course 1 would be the
lowest and 10 would be the highest. Let’s suppose you are like the average couple and
you have lingered in marital mediocrity way too long. Let’s say you’re a 5 on the
matrimonial scale. What should you do?

3. First of all, focus on you and not your spouse. Ask the question, “How can I change to make our marriage better?” Please note, we would much rather point out the deficiencies in our spouse rather than ourselves. Nevertheless, we must remember we are accountable only for our actions. God didn’t call you to change your spouse, He commanded you to love your spouse. When we get wrapped up in the faults of our partner, our eyes are on the wrong person. We need to examine ourselves!

4. The greatest mistake a husband or wife can make is trying to change your mate. Ladies, if it is your life long ambition to change your uncouth husband you’re in for a real disappointment. Men, if you feel the need to help your wife along the road to maturity you are in for a big surprise! Look in the mirror and scrutinize yourself. How do I need to change? What can I do to be a better husband or wife? Let me repeat! You must resist the temptation to point out the faults and failures of your spouse! Focus on you! Concentrate on your characteristics!

Let me share with you some practical ways to accomplish this feat:

1. Ask God to reveal to you your marital shortcomings. In your time of reflection and renewal be real with God.

2. Write them down on a piece of paper. As God begins to pinpoint specific areas of your life make a work list for needed growth.

3. Begin to work on these matters one at a time. Ask the Lord to make you sensitive to these areas of life.


4. Commit yourself to change by permitting the Holy Spirit to surgically remove the cancerous sins of pride, arrogance, and attitudes of superiority.

5. In sincere humility plead with the Holy Spirit to smooth away all the jagged edges in your personality.

6. Do your homework. Go to your local Christian bookstore and purchase a book about being a good husband or wife. You have no excuse here! There are hundreds of good books to encourage you to be the spouse you need to be. Turn off the television and read!

7. Ask the Holy Spirit to assist you in loving your spouse the way Christ loves you. Trust His supernatural power to enable you to love as He loves.

8. Resist the temptation of bragging on the successful changes that you have made in your personal life. I promise you, your spouse doesn’t want to hear it, they want to see it. Let your mate make the congratulatory comments instead of you patting yourself on the back.

9. Once you begin to see the Holy Spirit make consistent changes in your life, be very careful with pride. God is not finished with you yet. You will mess up, so don’t throw in the towel. Go back to step number one and begin the process again.

10. Always remember this is a lifelong journey! Once you think you have arrived you will soon discover that you still have a ways to go. God has a way of keeping us humble.

5. What if my marriage is a 3 on the matrimonial scale? You may need intense discipleship counseling. Discipleship counseling is where you meet with a spiritual leader who can teach you the principles of marriage from a biblical perspective. It is more teaching than counseling! I like to compare discipleship counseling to a mini-marriage seminar with only three people in attendance (the couple and the teacher). The biblical counselor will discover where you are in your marriage. Then he will point you to where you need to be. The sessions will focus on how to get there. This is the process of discipleship counseling.

6. Please note, if you are not a committed disciple of Jesus Christ, this type of coaching is a waste of time. The premise for this mode of treatment is total surrender to Jesus Christ and biblical principles. Should a couple not be totally yielded to biblical truth this type of intense instruction will not help the marriage. The foundation is your relationship with Jesus Christ, then, you must be willing to accept the teachings of scripture and then, you must be motivated to apply the scripture to your individual situation. The focus will be on your individual responsibilities and not your spouse!

7. Let me illustrate. Every couple has a list of ideals for their spouse. Should your spouse not live up to those standards you could become disillusioned with your marriage because your mate does not reach your expectations. Some have very high expectations while others aren’t so lofty. By the way, unrealistic expectations for your mate are a sure
way to doom your marriage. This is the reason for all arguments in marriage. Someone
doesn’t live up to his or her expectations. Consequently, the angry spouse proceeds to
point out the injustice.

8. Have we forgotten the biblical truth of unconditional love? Unconditional love is not
performance based. Nevertheless, we judge our mate’s marital performance and we
reward them accordingly. If he or she meets my expectations then I will love equally. In
other words, my mate becomes worthy of my love. Therefore, my love is based on how
well my spouse meets my needs and expectations.

9. I think we all agree this is pretty shallow! Even so, this normal process is a part of our fallen nature. However, the Bible commands unconditional love (Ephesians 5:25). A supernatural love that is not performance based. A kind of love that does not attach conditions and rewards. The goal of discipleship counseling is to motivate you to throw away your list of expectations and begin to love your spouse unconditionally. I like to call this Holy Spirit love. Once you remove the unrealistic demands and begin loving your spouse regardless of their performance you will begin to understand unconditional love. The focus is not on your spouses’ performance but on “your” obedience to Jesus Christ. How can “I” be more like Christ? What do “I” need to do to be a better mate? The focus is reversed! This is the very purpose of discipleship counseling.

WHAT TO DO
WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Get Godly Counsel

What do you do when you don’t know what to do? Get godly counsel! Talk to someone
with spiritual discernment.

1. Solomon said “Where no counsel [is], the people fall:” or more literally, the people fail (Proverbs 11:14a). The Hebrew word tachbulah {counsel} simply means direction, guidance and good advice. There will be times of confusion and uncertainty in your life. Worldliness and humanism can subtly creep into our hearts and cloud our minds with unsound reasoning. Therefore, we need godly individuals in our inner circle of friends who can minister God’s wisdom.

2. Solomon went on to say, “in the multitude of counsellors [there is] safety” (Proverbs 11:14b). The word tshuw'ah {safety} means deliverance through human agency. I learned several years ago to establish a fellowship of counselors in my personal life. People who love God and who always have my best interest at heart. Believers such as my wife, my father, my pastor and my father-in-law are always available to share godly insight. What do you do when you don’t know what to do? Get godly counsel! People who see life from God’s point of view.

WHY DO I NEED ADVICE?

“I’m self-sufficient! I don’t need other people nosing around in my life. I know what I’m doing! I can make it on my own.” Solomon made a harsh statement for people like you, “The way of a fool [is] right in his own eyes: but he that hearkeneth unto counsel [is]wise” (Proverbs 12:15). The very essence of self-reliance is pride! The believer must trust in the Lord and one of the ways we demonstrate our dependence in God is by getting advice. The know-it-all Christian is a fool! How ridiculous we are to think we don’t need God’s wisdom! When the believer begins to act independently of God, he is in big trouble. God has divinely equipped some very special people in your life to minister to you His grace and wisdom.

BELIEVER BEWARE

1. Let me interject a word of caution. You need to go to the right kind of people to get your advice. I am not saying you need a professional therapist! However, you must be very cautious in choosing your fellowship of advisors. David warned us when he said,
“Blessed [is] the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly” (Psalm 1:1). In
other words, you should not chose an rasha' {ungodly} person to give you guidance.

2. Living in the talk show era as we do, we must not get caught up in the pop-psychology of Ophra, Dr. Phil, and Jerry Springer. Since they base their advice on the humanistic theories of man, the child of God must shun this system of theoretical counseling. Secular psychotherapies such as Freudian, Adlerian, Skinnerian, Rogerian, cognitive, behavioral and family systems are complex creations of man. Therefore, the child of God must beware of philosophical concepts developed solely by the ingenuity of man. Secularism and Christianity are absolutely contrary to each other.

3. What should I do? Who should I seek counsel from? What about your parents? Parents are great advisors.

4. How about your pastor? There are times we need the wisdom of a godly pastor as we sift through the situations of life. Use the Bible!!!!!!

5. What about a spiritual deacon? I have known many devout deacons who are spirit-filled men who would qualify as an advisor.

6. How about a faithful Christian in your church or Sunday school class? I can
hear many of you ask the question, “What if they are not trained counselors?”
Psychologist and author, Dr. Martin Bobgan says, “Any person who can be used by the
Holy Spirit to lead another to salvation or along the way to sanctification is competent to
be used of God to give wise counsel without needing specialized biblical counseling
training.”[1]

7. The church has been influenced by the world! Who said you needed “professional” help? Dr. Phil? The secular media? Humanistic ideology has infiltrated the church! The Bible has been replaced by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV). This manual is published by the American Psychiatric Association and deals with the various mental health disorders for both children and adults. Mental health professionals use this manual when working with patients in order to understand illnesses and to bill insurance companies.

8. Pastors, preachers and Christian counselors should leave the DSM IV manual to the professionals and use the Word of God when dealing with spiritual problems.

9. By the way, you do understand there is a difference between the physical, mental and spiritual problems of man? Thank God for physicians! Thank God for the mental health professional who deal with the various mental disorders such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorders, and depression.

10. Nevertheless, spiritual battles are won with the Word of God (2 Corinthians 10:4-5). Being hypnotized to stop smoking is not good theology for the believer. Having an adulterous affair to spice up your marriage is absurd. Watching pornography to help your sex life is nuts! Smoking pot to calm your nerves is insane!

The point is we must go to the right people to get the right advice. Close knit, godly
friendships of accountability may be just what you need in the community of Christ.
Team up with a member of your Sunday school class to assist you to find your way in
your spiritual journey. Let them serve as a spiritual compass as you encounter your
portion of trials, tribulation and troubles.

[1] Martin and Deidre Bobgan, Against “Biblical Counseling” For the Bible, (Santa Barbara, California: Eastgate Publishers, 1994), 11.

Maranatha Messenger

WHAT TO DO
WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO

Are Your Children a Priority?
(Part 5)


Introduction

I understand that you have a job. But is your occupation more important than your children? I hear what you’re saying about your career. I know you have bills to pay. Maintaining three cars, insurance, and purchasing fuel is enough to bankrupt anybody! I understand! But in reality do we really need all of these things? Mom and dad work 50 to 60 hours a week to furnish their children with “things.” How much do tennis shoes cost? How much are a pair of jeans? Do our children really need an Ipod to download three thousands songs just because all the kids at school have one. Is an Xbox really a necessity? Do they really need all those cool electronic gadgets that all the other kids have?

I. Perhaps the greatest gift you can give to your child is yourself? What about the gift of time? What about devotion and attention? Nothing says, “You are valuable to me” like time. Quality time is an indicator of significance. Whatever you treasure will determine the time invested! If you cherish your child, you will contribute the necessary time. Paul Harvey illustrates this principle. Harvey said,

Pastor Robert Schuller of Garden Grove, California, visited 14 cities in one week to promote one of his books. This in addition to other responsibilities which had to travel with him. Then his office advised that when he got home he was scheduled for a luncheon with the winner of a charity raffle. Raffle tickets had been auctioned off for a “lunch with Robert Schuller.” He hurried home, prepared to squeeze the luncheon into his crowded schedule, then learned that one person had bid $500 to have lunch with him. Dr. Schuller was suddenly sobered. He happened to know that $500 represented that individual’s entire savings. And the girl willing to bid her entire savings to have lunch with him was his own school-age daughter.[1]

I don’t think we should come down too hard on Reverend Schuller. You and I do the same thing. The only difference is Schuller’s a national figure and we’re not. Thank God for the corrections that come into our lives to cause us to refocus our priorities.

II. Paul exhorted fathers, “provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). The word parorgizo {provoke} means to stir up anger to the point of exasperation. The lack of attention will certainly frustrate your child! Ever saw a kid with a chip on his shoulder? That child is searching for parental attention! Our youth are starving for attention while we work overtime to provide them material things they don’t really need. Mom, dad, your children need you! They need your time, attention and love. Only you can supply the security your child needs in their search for significance.

III. The godly parent will ensure that his children are a priority. Pastor Ed Young relates this illustration. Young said,

Several years ago I was invited to the White House to meet with a few key religious leaders and the President of the United States. NOW that was a pretty good offer, wasn’t it? It was the first invitation from a president this old country boy from Mississippi had ever received. I’d been out of town during the first part of the week and between flights I called home to check in. When I did, I learned that my son Ben’s basketball game originally scheduled for mid-week had been re-scheduled for the end of the week—and I’d missed one game already! The question was one of simple priority: ‘What’s the most important thing to me?’ Since the government had been running pretty well without me for a number of years, I called the White House and said, ‘Ed Young won’t be coming.’ (They recovered from this news beautifully). Instead I went to the game and had the fun of seeing my son shoot the winning basket. I have to confess that deciding between the White House and the school gym was not too tough. My wife and my boys are my highest priority.[2]

God bless Ed Young! Are your children a priority in your life? Perhaps you need to tweak your schedule like Dr. Young?

IV. Solomon shared great wisdom in the second part of Proverbs 29:15, he said, “a child left [to himself] bringeth his mother to shame.” I think the phrase “left to himself” best describes child care in America. Left in front of the television set unsupervised! Left in front of the computer without parental protection! Left with the babysitter! Left with the grandparents! Left at the mall! Left at the ball field! Left at the game room! Left at the movies! Left with the boyfriend or left with the girlfriend!

V. What about the Internet?
What are the perils of allowing your child to surf the internet without parental supervision? Could this be dangerous? Kids do it all the time! Are there really sexual predators on the prowl? Countless children have fallen prey to perverted pedophiles met on the internet. Furthermore, the online pornography industry has flooded the market targeting the curious minds of the adolescent. Their corrupt intention is to get your child hooked at a young age hoping to make them lifetime customers. You mark it down! If you give your child free access to the internet you are going to have problems! Make it a priority to keep tabs on your children.

Conclusion

What do you do when you don’t know what to do? Let me suggest that you examine your priorities. Are your priorities in line with God’s Word? Is God first in your life? Where does your spouse fit into the equation? How about your children? In reality these three relationships are interwoven together. Making God first in your life will help you be a better spouse and a better parent. Priorities seem to build off of each other. I think Jesus said it best, “seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you” (Matthew 6:33). The more successful I am at the top of
my priorities the better off I seem as I work my way down the pyramid.

Review:
1. Why do we struggle with priorities?
2. Who should be first in your life?
3. How do we keep our priorities straight?

[1] Paul Harvey, Signs of the Times, August 1987, p. 11.
[2]Ed Young, From Bad Beginnings to Happy Endings, (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishing, 1994), 29.